Taking Care of Elderly Parents

In January of 2019, I got a phone call from my parents.  I didn’t realize then, but that call would drastically change the next two years of my life.  Unfortunately, my 78-year-old mother had fallen in the bathroom and broken her left wrist.  In that moment, my heart sank with fear and uncertainty because I realized just how devastating this could be for her.

At that same time, my husband and I had just spent two years living in our tiny off-grid cabin while building a new home.  We started our blog and were excited to share our experiences and the different projects we had planned.  In the summer of 2018, we moved into an unfinished house and OSB floors.  As you can imagine, to say we were living in a construction zone was an understatement!

As I spoke with my parents on that call, I encouraged them to come to Virginia.  We were undoubtedly living in less than ideal conditions, but I knew they would need my help while mom recovered.  My parents lived in South Carolina. Subsequently, they agreed to come and stay until her cast was removed. 

Parents Arrival

They arrived on my birthday, February 2, 2019.  When I opened the door, I was relieved and happy to see them.  Mom was upbeat, I gave her a hug and she smiled and showed me her cast.  It made sense having my parents here.  First of all, I could keep a watchful eye on them and make sure their needs were met.  Secondly, she could concentrate on getting better and not stress over meals and household chores.  Ultimately, my goal was to get her healed and back to her home and life in South Carolina.

During those weeks of daily interaction with my parents, I realized something profound.  They were struggling in ways I didn’t realize.  Of course, mom had limitations because of a broken wrist, but it was more than that.  In conversations and actions, she was exhibiting some dementia-type symptoms.  Unfortunately, she was also very thin and I feared she was missing good nutrition.  Dad, although strong physically for his age, was showing short term memory difficulties along with the added stress of taking care of mom alone. 

Parents Turning Point

Ultimately, this knowledge was a turning point for all of us.  I could choose to send them back home after the cast was off and pretend like everything would be fine back in South Carolina.  As you can imagine, I knew everything wouldn’t be fine.  They would have real struggles and an inability to live the independent life they always had.  My fear was mom would continue to grow weaker in body and mind and leave them vulnerable and dependent on strangers for care.  Therefore, I was concerned they could easily be manipulated and taken advantage of.  

After some heart-to-heart discussions with both of them, my parents decided to sell their house and live with us.  Those were not easy discussions or decisions, although mom was the easiest to convince.  Mom was tired of taking care of a house.  She welcomed the opportunity for someone to take care of her and I couldn’t blame her.

My Relationship

Mom and I were close, a bond that began when I turned 16.  With a new driver’s license, our relationship changed forever!  That license was a ticket of freedom for both of us!  At this point in her life, mom didn’t have a driver’s license.  It was a sweet beginning for both of us, and years of wonderful memories shopping and spending time together.  Subsequently, through the years she leaned on me for so many things in her life.  My love and friendship for her would not allow me to let her go through this chapter of life without me.

Unfortunately, almost two years after we began this journey together, on October 16, 2020, I lost my dear mother and best friend!  In that time, I learned a lot about myself and the grit, sacrifice and determination it demands taking care of elderly parents.  There were moments of happiness, sadness, frustration, joy and tears. 

What I learned about myself during this time, and things that stood out the most are outlined below.  My thoughts and experiences are honest reflections as I lived in those moments. Ultimately, I have never regretted that decision.

8 Things I Learned Taking Care Of Elderly Parents

Difficult

Parents living in your home is so much harder than you can imagine.  No amount of mental preparation or planning can prepare you for this new normal. 

By necessity, they demand attention and take over home spaces, temperatures, sounds and privacy.  For instance, they loved satellite TV, so the living room was their space!  Therefore, after years of not having a TV in our house, it was a jolt to the system!  The TV was loud and the commercials were obnoxious. 

Our internal thermostats were very different.  After all, they loved 75+ degrees and we preferred 68-70.  Privacy with parents can be tricky!  At times, I felt like I couldn’t really be myself.  Consequently, our bedroom became our sanctuary for quiet moments, conversation, Amazon Prime and generally just a place to escape and recharge. By the way, it was the coolest room in the house!

Ultimately, I understood the dramatic change in their lives.  Our desire was to make them comfortable in their new home!  That desire required personal sacrifices.

Resentment

Although not the target, you may well find yourself the recipient of resentment.  It was easy to empathize with their situation.  My parents had always been independent and led active lives.  They gave up their home and independence and had to face the reality and limitations of age and declining health. 

Downsizing and boxing up their possessions was difficult for mom and me, but unfortunately necessary.  Many items for their house we had bought together on shopping trips.  It was heartbreaking to see pieces she loved and cherished for years now packed away in boxes.

Life On Hold

The moment they stepped through the door, our life as we knew it was suspended.  I stopped blogging and other things I had previously enjoyed.  There was no space in my mind for anything else.  Every day my focus was on my parents and their health. 

Their care consumed my thoughts.  Mom’s health grew worse after being diagnosed with mesothelioma.  I constantly searched for any products or equipment that would make the quality of her life easier.  I managed their medications, meals, laundry, haircuts, medical appointments, bills, etc.  It took months to come to terms with my new life while not losing my sanity.  I constantly had an internal struggle with giving them my best, but longing for my old life back.

Meals

Preparing meals was a daunting and draining task.  Fast food was limited in our rural setting  Much of my time was spent preparing 3 meals a day and kitchen cleanup.  I eventually learned it was okay to serve some frozen meals for lunches and occasional dinners for convenience!  Rigid meal times were difficult, but I learned quickly they were expected.  Dad was easy to please.  Mom asking the time was usually my cue to get with it!

Equipment

Medical equipment and devices quickly eat up floor space.  More items were added to the home setting as mom’s health worsened. This is by no means a complaint.  I wanted her to have everything she needed to improve the quality of her life. 

In our small footprint, there were many occasions where I would trip or get tangled up in equipment.  She began with a cane which turned into a walker.  Ultimately, she ended up wheelchair bound and requiring oxygen.  We installed a grip bar and a medical step on the bed.  In a small house, floor space shrinks very quickly.

Downtime

Being a full-time caregiver is an exhausting and lonely job!  This is an area I struggled with constantly.  Taking a few hours off can help, but never felt like enough.  I felt guilt over mom being hospitalized for a few days as the only periods of quiet and rest for us. If you are fortunate enough to have other family members involved, that is a wonderful blessing.  Fortunately, dad handled mobility and personal needs for mom. If you know someone in this position, you cannot imagine the wonderful gift of time to relieve them for a few hours or a day.

Misconceptions

Before my parents came to live with me, I was very judgmental about adult children not taking care of their parents in old age.  I witnessed this with a sweet, elderly neighbor couple.  Her husband died. Within a year, the wife was placed in assisted living where she later died.  In my mind, not only did she suffer the loss of her husband but quickly lost her home and way of life.  I felt anger. I perceived the elderly being dumped in nursing homes and assisted living centers.

With new perspective over the last two years, I now realize every family dynamic is different.  What is best for one family may not be the best for another.  I have learned remaining in the home setting is not always the best way.  Although we were able to do that for mom, I can easily see that is not an option for everyone.  A staff of fresh, full-time care givers in a medical setting may be the best place for a loved one.  This arrangement would allow you to concentrate on being a caring and loving child, and not a stressed out, full-time caregiver.

Blessings

Even in the worst days of care giving for mom, there were special, wonderful moments!  When she first arrived in Virginia, I didn’t know I would have less than two years with her. 

I am so thankful I got to sit with her and watch a Hallmark movie.  She really loved when I cut and styled her hair and did her makeup for medical appointments.  Sometimes in the scurry of chores, I would take a moment to sit beside her and hold her hand.  With the blessing of time, I got to tell her how much I loved her! 

It’s the little things I remember most and that give comfort.  On winter mornings, I would greet her with a warm robe from the dryer and she loved that.  Mom had a passion for reading, so I searched and downloaded books for her Kindle.  I’ll never forget the sight of her reading a stack of newspapers and the joy that gave her. Looking back now, I appreciate those moments!  I would have missed so much by not having her close.

The Gift of Time

As you can imagine, with a diagnosis of mesothelioma, every day with mom was truly a gift!  One evening, I remember she was having a particularly hard time.  I said, “Mom, everything is going to be okay no matter what,” trying to calm and reassure her.  What she said next I will never forget and always treasure.  She replied, “It will be okay because you are here!”  Most importantly, that summed up our life, together!  She understood me best, and was always a phone call away.

In conclusion, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her and miss her presence.  Above all, through faith and a lot of prayer, Dad and I walked through dark valleys, but also experienced days of joy on the mountaintop!

Certainly, it’s been awhile, but sending you my warmest wishes!

Lover Darlin’

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/mesothelioma/symptoms-causes/syc-20375022